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The Onion

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Updated: 12 hours 49 min ago

[video] Fully Gentrified Neighborhood All Cheese Shops

Fri, 03/28/2014 - 13:48
The G7 is unable to get its deposit back on a shipment of ‘G8 Summer Getaway’ T-Shirts, 87% of a man’s memories are shame-based, and a fully gentrified neighborhood is all cheese shops.
    





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Devastated Family Struggling To Cope After Losing Everything On DVR

Fri, 03/28/2014 - 13:00
CHILLICOTHE, MO—Reeling in the wake of sudden, unthinkable tragedy, members of the Talbott family were reportedly left struggling to pick up the pieces Thursday night after an unexpected hard drive crash erased everything they had stored on their di...
    





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4 Senators Mauled During Congressional Tiger Show

Fri, 03/28/2014 - 12:00
WASHINGTON—Four United States senators are reportedly recovering in Washington-area hospitals today following a shocking and grisly incident Thursday night, when a 480-pound male tiger brutally mauled the elected officials in front of a full audienc...
    





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American Voices: Study: Women Fake Orgasms To Increase Sexual Arousal

Fri, 03/28/2014 - 11:00
A new study has found that in addition to faking orgasms for the purpose of protecting a partner’s ego and ending sex, many women fake orgasms in order to increase sexual arousal so they can work themselves up to an actual orgasm.
    





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Charles Barkley Openly Gambling On College Games During CBS Halftime Report

Thu, 03/27/2014 - 20:50
NEW YORK—Following the first half of Thursday’s Sweet 16 matchup between the University of Dayton and Stanford University, sources confirmed that college basketball commentator Charles Barkley was observed blatantly gambling on the outcome of ...
    





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American Voices: ‘Gone With The Wind’ Prequel In The Works

Thu, 03/27/2014 - 17:30
Publishing house Simon & Schuster announced they will release a prequel to Margaret Mitchell’s epic historical novel Gone with the Wind called Ruth’s Journey, which will tell the story of Scarlett O’Hara’s servant Mammy.
    





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Hollywood Maintenance Crews Sent Out To Patch Up Film Industry’s Plotholes

Thu, 03/27/2014 - 17:00
LOS ANGELES—Numerous Hollywood maintenance crews were reportedly dispatched early Thursday morning to fix a rash of plotholes that have developed across the film industry, with laborers called to fill in unresolved third acts and smooth over illogic...
    





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American Obesity Epidemic Traced To Single Heavyset ‘Mayflower’ Passenger

Thu, 03/27/2014 - 16:00
BOSTON—In a startling discovery that sheds new light on the link between the earliest American colonists and their modern descendants, researchers at Boston University announced Thursday they have traced the U.S.
    





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Little Pussy Has To Take Phone Call In Other Room

Thu, 03/27/2014 - 15:45
PEORIA, IL—Daintily rising from his desk chair as he meekly whispered a pitiful apology into his iPhone, local accounting assistant and pathetic little pussy Andrew Kirby, 32, reportedly needed to take an incoming call in another room Thursday, offi...
    





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Sportsgraphic: Onion Sports’ Sweet 16 Picks

Thu, 03/27/2014 - 15:00
OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this year’s NCAA Tournament Sweet 16: Florida vs. UCLA OSN’s Pick: Florida — As long as the Gators are hitting their shots, they’...
    





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Opinion: These Are The Honda Days That Were Foretold In The Prophecy (by Phillip of Schenectady)

Thu, 03/27/2014 - 14:30
By Phillip of Schenectady
    





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Statshot: Top Safety Schools

Thu, 03/27/2014 - 13:40
Top Safety Schools
    





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Levi’s Factory Implicated In Cruel Treatment Of Denim Cows

Thu, 03/27/2014 - 13:20
VERNON, CA—A Levi’s factory in southern California is facing a firestorm of criticism this week after an industrial worker’s cell phone video leaked on the internet revealing the plant’s brutal treatment of its denim cows.
    





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Unclear If Grandma Just Friends With 81-Year-Old Widowed Man

Thu, 03/27/2014 - 12:00
ORLANDO, FL—During their visit Thursday to the Avalon Retirement Community, the grandchildren of Rose Markowitz told reporters they were no closer to determining if their grandmother was merely friends with an 81-year-old widower who lives in her bu...
    





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American Voices: New ‘Star Trek’ Beer Released

Thu, 03/27/2014 - 11:00
A Canadian beer company has announced that it will produce a beer called Warnog, a Star Trek–themed beer that will serve as a follow-up to the popular Vulcan Ale they released last year.
    





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Mark Cuban Warns NFL’s Popularity May Begin To Wane In Next Millennium

Wed, 03/26/2014 - 19:00
DALLAS—Citing such factors as overexpansion, player safety, and behavioral issues, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban told reporters Wednesday that the NFL is in severe danger of waning in popularity over the next 1,000 years.
    





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American Voices: Facebook Spends $2 Billion On Virtual Reality Company

Wed, 03/26/2014 - 17:45
CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced yesterday that Facebook has agreed to pay $2 billion for Oculus VR, a small startup company that makes virtual reality headsets, which could possibly allow Facebook users to see their friends in a 3D environment.
    





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Infographic: Notable Celebrity Breakups

Wed, 03/26/2014 - 17:00
Academy Award winner Gwyneth Paltrow stunned visitors to her website yesterday by announcing her divorce from husband and Coldplay frontman Chris Martin in an online post.
    





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G7 Unable To Get Deposit Back On Shipment Of ‘G8 Summer Getaway’ T-Shirts

Wed, 03/26/2014 - 16:00
THE HAGUE—Shortly after suspending Russia’s membership in the exclusive coalition of industrialized nations, the United States and the six other wealthy nations that compose the newly renamed Group of Seven reportedly found themselves unable t...
    





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NHL Players Admit They Have No Idea How Line Changes Work

Wed, 03/26/2014 - 15:35
NEW YORK—Claiming that there is ostensibly no rhyme or reason to the sport's frequent in-game substitutions, players from across the NHL admitted Wednesday that they have absolutely no idea how line changes work.
    





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