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Updated: 5 hours 56 min ago

American Voices: Study: Video Games Make Kids More Aggressive

Wed, 03/26/2014 - 11:30
Contradicting previous research indicating that video games don’t negatively affect children’s behavior, a new study has found that playing games makes kids react to real-world situations in hostile and aggressive ways.
    





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American Voices: Girl Sells Record 18,000 Boxes Of Girl Scout Cookies

Tue, 03/25/2014 - 17:30
Oklahoma middle school student Katie Francis broke the national Girl Scout cookie sales record by selling more than 18,000 boxes in seven weeks, attributing her success to asking everyone she sees to buy a box.
    





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Report: 95% Of Grandfathers Got Job By Walking Right Up And Just Asking

Tue, 03/25/2014 - 15:30
WASHINGTON—According to a Gallup report published Tuesday, over 95 percent of the nation’s grandfathers began their careers by walking straight into a place of business, saying “I’m the man for the job,” and receiving a posit...
    





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[video] Report: 95% Of Grandfathers Got Job By Walking Right Up And Just Asking

Tue, 03/25/2014 - 15:30
According to a Gallup report published Tuesday, over 95 percent of the nation’s grandfathers began their careers by walking straight into a place of business, saying “I’m the man for the job,” and receiving a position right there. Full article.
    





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Infographic: Tips For Using Online Dating Sites

Tue, 03/25/2014 - 14:00
Here are The Onion’s tips for finding love online
    





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Nation Rallies Behind Embattled Celebrity Gown

Tue, 03/25/2014 - 13:50
LOS ANGELES—In response to a rash of harsh criticism leveled against a gown worn by actress Charlize Theron at a recent Hollywood charity event, millions of Americans across the country have risen up this week to show their support for the publicly ...
    





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College Senior Already Has Grueling 14-Month Employment Search Lined Up After Graduation

Tue, 03/25/2014 - 13:00
ATHENS, OH—Planning ahead to ensure he is adequately prepared for life after college, Ohio University senior Kyle Huber confirmed to reporters Monday that he already has an excruciating 14-month employment search lined up and waiting for him when he...
    





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Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 25, 2014

Tue, 03/25/2014 - 12:25
Aries Fate will give you a lot to do next week, and you had better do exactly as you are told or Fate will start executing hostages. Taurus This is a good time to make aggressive moves at work, as when the global economy...
    





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American Voices: New Technology Creates Mug Shots From DNA

Tue, 03/25/2014 - 11:30
Scientists have announced the creation of a new technology capable of producing 3D models of people’s faces by examining their DNA, a tool experts say could help police create mug shots of criminals from DNA evidence taken from a crime scene.
    





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How A Predator Drone Works

Tue, 03/25/2014 - 11:00
How A Predator Drone Works
    





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Eagles Add Veteran Fuckup

Mon, 03/24/2014 - 18:30
Eagles Add Veteran Fuckup
    





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City Planner Gets Halfway Through Designing City Before Realizing He’s Just Doing Philadelphia Again

Mon, 03/24/2014 - 18:00
DES MOINES, IA—Saying that his designs felt oddly familiar as he was drafting them, urban planner William Reston confirmed Monday that while envisioning a revitalized downtown for Des Moines, IA, he had absentmindedly laid out the preexisting city o...
    





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American Voices: Hawaii Police Defend Prostitution Loophole

Mon, 03/24/2014 - 17:00
Following a move by Hawaiian legislators to tighten anti-prostitution laws, police are defending a legal exemption that allows undercover officers to have sex with prostitutes.
    





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87% Of Man’s Memories Shame-Based

Mon, 03/24/2014 - 15:25
DULUTH, MN—Stating that the man is rarely able to reflect on events from earlier in his life without visibly wincing, sources confirmed Monday that 87 percent of local medical claims processor Tyler Collins’ memories are rooted in the emotions...
    





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College Admissions Office Finds Ideal Applicant Capable Of Subsidizing Tuition Of 3 Low-Income Students

Mon, 03/24/2014 - 14:50
MIDDLETOWN, CT—After carefully scrutinizing the application of high school senior Erica Allson, admissions officers at Wesleyan University confirmed Monday that the 18-year-old was the ideal candidate to subsidize the tuition and fees of three lower...
    





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Single Mother Hogging 2 Jobs

Mon, 03/24/2014 - 13:35
INDIANAPOLIS—Between her regular employment cleaning homes and side work waitressing at Perkins on mornings and weekends, 35-year-old single mother Janice Paulings is greedily hogging two jobs all to herself, outraged sources reported Monday.
    





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Onion Poll: Do You Vaccinate Your Children?

Mon, 03/24/2014 - 13:00
The Onion – America's Finest News Source
    





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Browns Eyeing 6 Quarterbacks To Rifle Through In 2014

Mon, 03/24/2014 - 13:00
CLEVELAND—In an effort to dispel uncertainty surrounding the quarterback position, Cleveland Browns head coach Mike Pettine confirmed Monday that the team is currently monitoring six players to rifle through in rapid succession next season.
    





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Slideshow: The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 24, 2014

Mon, 03/24/2014 - 12:00
The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 24, 2014
    





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Study: Humans Display Highest Cognitive Abilities When Trying To Retrieve Object Dropped Between Car Seats

Mon, 03/24/2014 - 11:45
CAMBRIDGE, MA—A study released Monday by neurologists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology has concluded that human beings display their highest range of cognitive capabilities when attempting to retrieve an object accidentally dropped into ...
    





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